Top 5 Things I'll Fail To Do In 2010

This year I’ll try a different angle.  Rather than a laundry list of what I’m going to pretend to do in 2010, this time around I’m posting the

Top 5 things I’ll fail to do in 2010

1. Obtain a six-pack stomach.  One pack would be such a streetcccccch so I’m shooting for the ability to see my toes without looking over the nice shed I’ve managed to build in 2009. No more end-of-the-world carbo-packing Pad Sew with a side of rice for lunch (yes, it’s a Latino cultural thing to eat noodles with rice – if Jasmine Thai had it on the menu I’d order some tostones y unas papas fritas con frijoles negro, wow).

2. Finish home remodel.  Hasn’t happened in the past 4.5 years, so why believe this year will be different.  I’m finally at one with the philosophy that says that this house isn’t a flip but a never ending struggle to keep things from falling apart.  I’ll be happy with a new coat of paint – the thick stuff to cover over as much of the imperfections as possible.  Beyond that my prediction will be that I’ll permanently install the two thermostats that have been dangling from their wires for 2 yrs (I needed to test them to make sure they worked) and to fix the sneaky upstairs toilet that only leaks at 3am when I can’t sleep .

3.Find a publisher for novel, An Incan Fisherman in the Lower East Side. I’m on my way to burn it in the really cool outdoor chimenea I just got off Craigslist. Without that albatross around my neck it’ll be a moot point to keep this website running, which is just fine since it’s where my family secretly shadows my movement – I see you, mama!

4. Raise egg-laying chickens.  Too much of a stretch as it’ll only set la mujer off into a coño peppered monologue. There is some Puerto Rican jibara campo issue she needs to resolve in 2010 before I can live the dream.

5. Stop using la mujer’s Lady Speed Stick when my deodorant runs out.  No more gender confusion when it comes to body odor and fewer quiet side glances from la mujer.

Now for the Top 5 Things I’ll Do in 2010 as a result of failing to do the Top 5 above:

1. Grow a raised bed vegetable garden that will reduce my lawn by 35%.  Just the basics – potatoes, carrots, onions, tomatoes, zucchini, cilantro, and a couple of varieties of chilies and a beehive (shhh).

2. Buy wedding anniversary present at least 30 days prior.  This will save me from having to run off the highway.

3. Take a daddy-daughter fly fishing excursion to bone up on some skills in the Spring. Chest waders and fly rods are ready!

4. Send la mujer on a solo overnight resort, otherwise #3 ain’t happening.

5. Purchase the highly rated Mossberg 590 (since elves, apparently, are not allowed to manufacture Post 2012 Anti-Zombie Home Defense Systems) and add an extra day to #4